Our babies

I have sat on this post for a long time, trying to figure out when the best time to publish it.  I considered the September due date, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance in October, but none of them seemed right.  If you were to ask me when we were having another baby or anything about pregnancy, I gladly spilled my guts about our miscarriages and struggles.  I think about our babies every single day, but for some reason, I just couldn't share it on social media yet.  There were some people I wasn't ready to tell.

I hate that miscarriage isn't talked about and is considered a taboo subject.  It happens so much more than you think, but no one says anything.  And I hate that I have contributed to that.  Yes, I have told many people about our babies, but I haven't shared openly to every single person to decides to read this blog or Facebook.

I started writing this post to chronicle our pregnancy in January 2015.  We were so excited to finally be pregnant again after 8 months of trying (4 rounds of meds), but also terrified of having two babies 22 months apart.  Sadly, our baby left us in February.  So I sat on this post a little longer, thinking I would publish when we were pregnant again.  Mother's Day rolled around and I couldn't stop thinking about our two babies: Charlee and our baby in heaven.  I decided I would finally publish it (which is why it starts off with Mother's Day), but it just didn't seem right.
I found out I was pregnant again right before Mother's Day (so I think that is why I felt the need to publish the post), but something wasn't right.  I worried that I tested too soon and it was the trigger shot in my system.  I took numerous tests, emailed my dr too many times, and soon the tests got lighter and lighter until they were negative.  I was 5 weeks pregnant and we only knew about our baby for just one week.  On May 16, we lost our baby.

So this post is such a hodge-podge of emotion and words. It's hard to explain miscarriage to someone who has never dealt with it. The high of finding out you are expanding your family and the absolute low of finding out that the baby you dreamed of will never come home with you, you will never see it, hold it, name it.  But I think of them often.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about our babies that we will never hold.  It wasn't the right time for us or them, but they were loved.

-------------

As I sit here on my second Mother's Day with Charlee, I am reflecting on just how thankful I am for that sweet silly girl in my life.  She made me a mommy.  She made Andrew a daddy.  Everyday she makes us laugh (and sometimes want to pull our hair out) and we love her more and more each day, if that's even possible.  But even though I am so very thankful for that spunky toddler who is supposed to be going to sleep right now, I can't help but thinking of the sweet little baby that we will never be able to bring home, who we will never hold in our arms.

I have struggled the past 3 months with when to share this with the world.  Miscarriage isn't something that typically comes up in conversation, in fact, it's the norm to not talk about it in our society.  I have spoken to a few friends about it, but figured that I would probably hold onto this post until we were ready to have another baby and then share it.  But this sweet baby is someone who I think about daily.  I think about how I would be 22 weeks pregnant and we would be getting ready to welcome a new baby brother or sister into our family in September.  I think about that little baby because he/she also makes me a mommy. 

So this Mother's Day, I'm celebrating my silly Charlee bear and my sweet little baby in heaven.  I love you both.

--------
This post was started to chronicle our second pregnancy from weeks 5-8 and was the only post I was able to write.  We had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Baby was measuring 2 weeks behind at just 6 weeks at our first ultrasound on February 2nd and lost its little heartbeat a few days later.  I had a D&C on February 6th, a day after we found out we would not be adding to our family in September and struggled to come to terms with the term "miscarriage" because I never thought it would happen to us.

January 10, 2015

How far along? 5 weeks
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but this bump is going to get big fast!  Already getting bloated and have a hard time sucking it in
Stretch marks? none
Sleep: Aside from getting up with Charlee, been ok
Best moment this week: Finding out that we’re pregnant! 
Miss Anything? having more energy
Movement: It will be awhile for that
Food cravings: salty foods (don't worry, I still eat my fair share of sugar)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not yet
Have you started to show yet: No, just bloated.  I will definitely show a lot sooner (and I got big fast with Charlee, so this should be fun)
Gender prediction: Who knows! I think we're going to have another girl :)
Labor Signs: Way too early for that. 
Symptoms: tired, a little nausea, bloated
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!  Just very anxious to see the little one in a few weeks.

Dear baby,

Oh my goodness!  I can't believe that this is actually happening again! You are already so very loved.  (However, your big sister will be in for a big surprise.
----------------------

January 17, 2015
How far along? 6 weeks
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but I would love to put on a pair of maternity jeans!
Stretch marks? none
Sleep:waking up a few times during the night
Best moment this week: ???
Miss Anything? having more energy
Movement: It will be awhile for that
Food cravings: peanut m&ms
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not yet
Have you started to show yet: No, just bloated. 
Gender prediction: Who knows! I think we're going to have another girl :)
Labor Signs: Way too early for that. 
Symptoms: tired, a little nausea, bloated
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody
--------------------

January 24th, 2015
How far along? 7 weeks
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but I'm starting to look about 12w pregnant
Stretch marks? none (with the exception of those that C has left behind)
Sleep: waking up a few times at night
Best moment this week: going in for our 6w appt which was nothing exciting
Miss Anything? having more energy and not being nauseous
Movement:nope
Food cravings: pomegranates (when Charlee shares), peanut m&ms, chips
Anything making you queasy or sick: migraines, not drinking enough water
Have you started to show yet: kinda sorta, but just bloat
Gender prediction: Who knows! I think we're going to have another girl :)
Labor Signs: Way too early for that. 
Symptoms:bloated, tired, nausea, migraines
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: moody (but excited to see the peanut in one week!)

This one is in for a rude awakening.

----------------

 
January 31, 2015
How far along? 8 weeks
Maternity clothes? very close
Stretch marks? none
Sleep:trouble falling asleep
Best moment this week: just hanging out with my number 1 girl
Miss Anything? having more energy, not having headaches
Movement: It will be awhile for that
Food cravings: ice cream, carbs
Anything making you queasy or sick: not drinking enough water
Have you started to show yet: well this bloat makes me look like I'm about 14w
Gender prediction: I'm thinking girl, but there's a 50/50 chance for either!
Labor Signs: Way too early for that. 
Symptoms: tired, a little nausea, bloated
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.  I sobbed over the series finale of Parenthood and then laughed/sobbed when I was telling Andrew what happened on the episode.
So excited to see baby on Monday!



 February 5th, 2015

Dear sweet baby,

We saw you at your ultrasound Monday.  You were so tiny, too tiny.  You were measuring two weeks behind but you had a sweet little heartbeat of 116.  My heart grew heavy and sad, but I stayed optimistic since you had a heartbeat.  I thought maybe you just implanted a little late and were a little slow to get going, but I was hoping you would catch up by next week.

Needless to say, you had me worried, little one.  We went to check on you today, but you decided it just wasn't your time.  Your sweet little heart was no longer beating.  I sobbed for you, little baby.  You weren't with our little family long, but we already loved you so very much.  We looked forward to meeting you in September and showing you to your big sister.  I know that you and God had other plans.  Even though you didn't get any bigger than a pea, my heart still aches for you.  I don't ever think it will stop.  I will probably think of you a million times a day for a very long time, especially in September.

Just know that your big sister, your daddy, and I loved you so very much.

Love always,
your mama