On Strike

My dearest Charlotte Jean,

I should have known that when the start to our nursing relationship was rough (on me, not you.  You came out eating like a champ), that the end would be just as difficult.

See, you have officially been "on strike" for 9 days.  9 long days of pumping and you absolutely refusing to nurse.  It all started with a bite.  Well, you had been biting for a few weeks, but this bite hurt.  And I yelled, you cried, and then it was over.  Just like that, no more nursing.  I hoped that you would wake up in the middle of the night and completely forget that I had yelled at you, but you didn't.  You didn't forget the next morning or the next day, or the day after that.  And I felt awful.  I sobbed.  I apologized over and over, but it didn't make any difference, you were done with me.

The following day after the incident was the worst.  I have done a lot of things that I'm not proud of in my life, but feeling like I was the cause of you not nursing anymore was the worst.  I felt like a glorified babysitter giving you a bottle throughout the day because you clammed up around or tried to bite me just to see what my reaction would be.

I asked for advice, I called lactation, tried everything: snuggling, feeding you with a spoon, offering a cup, giving you the milk ice cold (you think it's refreshing by the way), etc.  Nothing worked.  I'm heartbroken.

Per the advice of another mama, I didn't put a goal on the length of time I wanted to nurse for.  I figured that we would just see how it went.  The first two weeks were awful.  It hurt, I didn't think I could do it.  But then we figured it out and developed a bond and I looked forward to our time together.  But I still figured that we would just see how it went for the next few months.

I didn't expect our time to end so abruptly or to not be prepared for it at all.  I wasn't prepared for the day at 6.5 months that you would push me away.  But we had 6 great months together.  I was able to nurse you for 6 long months and I will cherish those 6 months every single day.

My dear, sweet baby girl, you are so strong-willed, smart, and stubborn (you get the curly hair and stubbornness from your mama).  You make me laugh and smile every single day.  I love snuggling with you and watching you grow.  I love when you smile at me and give me big kisses.  I am the luckiest person in the world because I get to be your mama.  (And you know I must REALLY love you because I have been pumping every single day and will continue to do so just for you.  And I hate pumping, so that is love).

I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Your mama