So... when are you having kids?

Written in June 2012 after seeing my OB/GYN and before seeing our specialist

Oh that dreaded newlywed question that always rears its ugly head at all parties and get togethers.  And my all-time favorite: so are you trying?
Ummm.... do you really care all that much and I don't think I need to share that information with you!

For anyone that knows me, all I have wanted is to be a mommy.  Don't get me wrong, I love teaching and I love what I do every single day, but I would trade it all in for 3-4 kids and a minivan (well, I could skip out on the minivan, but if it was necessary to have kids, then I would be all in.  But how about a nice hybrid SUV?)

Becoming a teacher was not the easiest road for me.  It took 5 years and three colleges to get my degree (one was a semester at community college during my transition from MU to ISU, so does that count?).  I struggled to find the right grade level for me and even tried my hand at subbing.  I feel like every year I have had to prove myself or jump through hoops to get what I want.  So becoming a mommy should be easy, right?  I mean, heck, how many seasons of 16 and Pregnant have we had, people?

I have had a few friends have babies in the last few years.  Of course, it was a breeze for them.  They would say how easy it was and they got pregnant within months.  I naively thought I would be the same.  After being on the NBP (no baby pill) for nearly 8 years,  I was a little nervous to stop taking them and I don't think I was really ready yet.  I put it off until my pills ran out in October 2011.  I had read a little online about how it would take your body a few months to get back on track, but once you stop taking the pills, they are out of your system.  Awesome, here's looking to being pregnant by Christmas!

Obviously that didn't happen.  Each month I would get my hopes up and think that maybe this was the time and buy more pregnancy tests.  I would get a little nauseous and think "maybe I'm pregnant" and would get all giddy.  After taking about 4 tests in November 2011, I decided to just stop.  There's no point in peeing on a stick when I know what the answer is.  Truth be told, I hadn't even gotten my period back.  Under normal circumstances, one is ecstatic for this.  However, when you are trying to have a baby, it's no Gouda.

Months passed and still nothing, just the looming question: are you pregnant yet?  Nope, just getting fat, thanks for asking though.  Finally in February I called the doctor to figure something out.  She prescribed me a progesterone trial.  Awesome, now it's going to work.  We're going to have a baby, and not just of the fur-ball variety.  Period came and went and my hopes soared.  Ok, this is finally the time.  Wrong again.

Fast forward to the end of June and I'm still waiting.  Seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere and feeling bitter.  Wondering "why me?"  And then the doctors' appointments started.  First to the physician and then to the OB/GYN.  And the "well, we don't know what's wrong with you.  All the tests indicated that you're normal."  GREAT.

At first, I was diagnosed with secondary amenorrhea and scheduled to come back the following week for an ultrasound.  The doctor didn't seem to concerned, so I just tried to brush it off.  We went off to Florida and I tried not to think about the fact that my body seemed to be failing me.  Andrew has been convinced that we would be on the show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.  I went into the ultrasound with the false hope that maybe just maybe we would find out that I was already pregnant (bahaha, fat chance).

After the ultrasound, I was told that it appears that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which is a genetic disease and commonly found with insulin resistance.  Well, I'm not overweight and I'm not diabetic, so awesome.  We decided to do the progesterone trial again and then Clomid to help us have a baby.  While I am not really a fan of having to take drugs, I'm to the point where I will do anything.  I never thought that I would have to take fertility drugs to have a baby.  If in 3 months, we still aren't pregnant, then it's off to a fertility specialist.

Back the baby train up.  Fertility specialist?  Now I really didn't see that one coming.  I am trying so hard not the think about it, but I'm terrified that it might come to that.  I'm already uneasy about taking Clomid, but I don't want to have to go through this for the next 5 years with living on hope and a prayer.

As I sit here and type this (knowing that I won't post it until after we are pregnant), I keep thinking about how incredibly personal this all is and it's definitely not like me to share all this information with the internet world.  However, I found comfort in reading about others' stories (particularly Emily's story to have Cullen over on DailyGarnish) that I'm hoping that my story will give someone else comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  It's not very well-written, but I can't really find the words to describe how I am feeling right now.