Judgement from librarians?

*Written on March 8, 2013*

Do you ever wonder what people think about you at the library based upon the books you check out?  That's why I'm so thankful for self-check.  Really, I'm thankful for self-check everywhere.  There's nothing like getting beer for your husband and a pregnancy or ovulation test for yourself and knowing that you're being judged by the Target cashier.

So I'm a frequent user of "placing holds" at the library.  I pretty much check out any and every Spanish children's book.  And this week has been no exception.  I've checked out every Dr. Seuss book in Spanish and just returned all of my Pigeon books by Mo Willems.  Well, I also found some other books to check out.

Notice a theme here?

I checked out all of these books hoping that they would give me some kind of answer or a little guidance as to what is going on with me and why it's been 17 months and no baby.

So I spent Thursday night looking through them while Parenthood played on Netflix (I am OBSESSED with this show right now, so good!).

I paged through each of them just to see what it was all about.

The Fertility Journal did not help at all.  It was pretty much just a "hey, if you want to have a baby, you should probably stop smoking and drinking."  "Oh BTW, you need to have sex to get pregnant, did you know that?"

Eat Right For Your Baby is all about eating to get pregnant based upon your blood type.  Well, I don't know my blood type, problem number one.  Kind of a pointless book if you don't have the one bit of information that is crucial to actually following the diet and exercise guidelines.

Is Your Body Baby Friendly?   I was "excited" to look at this book ("excited" because it's not like I was overjoyed or it was like getting ready to go to Disney World, so I guess "eager" is a better adjective to use).  It's actually very informative and explains the different types of infertility and treatments.  I just skimmed it because it's a pretty big book with tiny print and it takes a lot for me to get interested in a book and I knew I couldn't read it cover-to-cover immediately.  Maybe I'll pick it up again.

Fertility for Dummies was actually one that I just reserved on a whim and didn't think it would be of much use.  But it was the only book that I actually started reading (given just the relevant parts, but still).  It was written by a fertility expert and a fertility patient.  I enjoyed reading Jackie Meyers-Thompson's experiences as well as an explanation of IUI, IVF, unexplained infertility, etc.  This is probably a book that I will end up actually reading and not just skimming.

And my choice for my wonderfully supportive husband: What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting.  I feel like all I do is talk about babies, pregnancy, and infertility.  I wanted him to be able to understand why I'm a crazy person and to have more of an understanding of what we're going through so that he can have more of a say.  While I did get it for him, I decided to flip through it to see if it was worth it.

Good thing #1: It's little.  It's not a big book and the font is big!  It's something you can totally read in a weekend.
Good thing #2: It's not so clinical.  It's not written in "I'm not a doctor so I don't know what the hell you're saying right now" jargon but actually like a normal person wrote it.
Good thing #3: The author actually has some real life experience on the matter. Mark Sedaka and his wife actually experience infertility for 6 years and were finally able to have twins through a gestational surrogate.
But even though I did like this book the best, it still made me cry and I ended up sobbing for a good part of the night.
Tear-jerker #1: Face the facts. You're reading this book because you can't have a baby.  Most people under 35 will get pregnant in the first 6 months.  If you're not, there's a serious problem.  (First time I started crying).
Tear-jerker #2: It took Sedaka and his wife 6 years, 10 failed IVF treatments, and a gestational surrogate to have their twin daughters.  Emotionally, I just can't handle that.  I'm terrified that we will be going down that road.
After the first two tear-jerkers, I had to put the book down because I just couldn't take it anymore.
Andrew picked up the book the following day and spent the morning reading it.  He laughed and it seemed to help him.  He even told me to read the very last page.  On the last page, Sedaka said that three years after having their twin girls through a gestational surrogate, his third child was born, a boy.  And not through a gestational surrogate like the twins, but a natural, unmedicated pregnancy and the baby was carried by his wife.  I think it was Andrew's subtle way of telling me that this will happen for us and it makes me cry right now just thinking about it and how much he loves me and how much I love him.

All-in-all, fertility books might be very helpful to some, but they just make me more depressed.  I've come to learn that infertility, especially unexplained infertility is  all-consuming and you can easily get swept up in it all.  I'm having a hard enough time as is, I don't need to read about all of the problems that we may or may not encounter as we continue through this journey.

Which leads me to the title of this post.  When Andrew came home from Florida, I told him that I got a book for him from the library.  When he saw the stack of books on the coffee table he said, "Geez, good thing for self check.  Can you imagine how awkward it would be to put this stack of books on the table and have someone check them out for you?"  Well, someone had to transfer them to the library for the other libraries and put them on a shelf under my name, so that person(s) already knows a lot about our life right now.